I’ve been feeding Goose, a sweet feral cat, for awhile. We’re pretty sure she was part of the original litter of kittens who started living under our deck last summer. The kittens disappeared around August. Of the original four, just Goose and Jiji still visit us. They’re both undoubtedly feral, as we missed the window of socialization with them. But being able to see their personalities develop has been a joy. Jiji is extremely playful – he loves playing with the cat toys we buy for him. Goosie is more docile. The most I’ve seen her play is by rolling over on one of the toys.

Jiji had been my favorite from the original litter, but I quickly grew very attached to my little Goose. Feeding her in the mornings became a cherished part of my routine, even during the darkest winter days. Around late February/early March, I noticed Goosie was gaining a lot of weight and I was very concerned. She was eating a LOT, coming to the backyard several times a day for a feeding, and she slept in our yard on cold sunny days. “I think she’s with kitten,” I told Husband with a sinking heart.

I felt enormously guilty. I knew Goose and Jiji needed to be spayed/neutered. When the kittens weren’t stopping by with any regularity, it was easy to say that it would be too difficult to catch them. But Goosie was stopping by our backyard nearly every day at this point. And now she was pregnant, and I was partially responsible for the growing feral cat population in our neighborhood. I do think she stays at another house on my street, so it makes me feel a little less guilty – maybe another person is complicit, too.

Goosie got chunkier and chunkier, and then disappeared. I don’t think she had her kittens under our deck – I suspect she had them at the other location she stays at. For several weeks we didn’t see her – and then one day, she showed up again, waiting for food. She was noticeably thinner.

“Goosie, where are your kittens?” I asked. She just looked at me.

From my research, I knew that it would be at least six weeks until we’d see the kittens. It didn’t stop me from looking for them every day. “Goosie, where are your kittens?” I’d ask as I put food in her bowl. When roughly six weeks had passed and I didn’t see any kittens, I was concerned. Did something happen to them? Were they taken away from her?

But there were little signs two weeks ago that the kittens were nearby. I saw Goose trying to hunt a bird – I’ve never seen her try to hunt, unlike brash Jiji. (Any time I see Jiji trying to hunt something, I come outside to stop him – the house rules are that if I feed you Meow Mix five times a day, you don’t need to eat a bird.) One morning I brought food out to Goosie and she hissed at me. I was stunned. My sweet Goosie had never hissed at me. This could only mean one thing.

I was at a conference in Austin for work last week when I received a text from Husband. “THE KITTENS ARE HERE!!!” it said, all caps. Grainy kitten photos taken from our kitchen immediately followed. I kept checking my phone all throughout the day for more kitten photos, elated that Goosie had finally decided to bring her babies to our backyard. I forgave her for debuting them was I was traveling.

I arrived back from Austin late that night. The next morning, I peeked out the window – the kittens were on the deck. Goosie had two kittens – two perfect, gorgeous little babies.

One kitten is a tabby that we’ve named Moon. The other has little white socks that we’ve named Mittens. Mittens looks exactly like another neighborhood stray known as Kit. We’ve been told that Kit is neutered, but Mittens and Kit look exactly alike, so I’m calling shenanigans on that one. Mittens also looks exactly like little Kiki from the first litter.

Our plan for the original litter was to get them adopted, but we lost our chance after they disappeared last August. We don’t want to make the same mistake with Mittens and Moon. We’ve been working with them every day to get them used to human contact by talking to them and playing with them by using a fishing pole. While we’d love to adopt them, we don’t think it’s feasible while we have Apollo. So we’re working hard to make sure they are used to humans so we can find them loving homes. But I can’t bear the idea of taking them away from Goosie yet. They haven’t weaned and she’s so protective of them. Maybe that’s misguided of me. But it would break my heart to take them away from her too soon when she clearly loves them so much. There are some sources that I’ve researched, at least, that support this decision, and I feel that keeping the kittens with her until they’ve weaned is the right one.

Goosie is extremely protective of them, hissing at me now every morning as I walk outside to feed them. I know I shouldn’t take it personally – she’s a wild animal trying to protect her young – but I wish there was a way to tell Goosie that I’m on her side, that I just want to protect her and her babies and keep them safe.

Several days ago, I’d made great progress with the kittens. They were responsive with the fishing pole game and they let me get closer to them. I’d held out some food to them near the deck. I could tell one of them wanted to eat from my hand but got skittish.

The next morning, I took Apollo to the bathroom outside. We’ve been harnessing him up so that he doesn’t disturb the kittens. He’s been pretty good, but he barked at Mittens and scared all the cats. After putting him inside, I took some food outside in an attempt to mollify them. I should have left them alone – this was a completely idiotic decision on my part. I knelt down next to the deck and held my hand out to Mittens like I had the night before; would she want some food?

I heard a deep hiss and saw a paw strike at my hand. Stunned, I looked down at Goose. She was protecting her babies and it was clear that I had overstepped her boundaries. I backed away and went inside the house to clean the small wounds she’d left, feeling sad. Again, this was completely my fault and I should have known better. I know Goosie is a wild animal and just wanting to protect her babies, and I should have given them time to rest and recover after Apollo had barked at them instead of stressing them out. But I felt betrayed, as completely illogical as that sounds. It was hard not to think of the Goosie before motherhood, the sweet docile cat who perched in the grass every morning as I filled her bowl.

Goosie hisses at me now every morning as I feed her and the kittens. I approach her cautiously, telling her that I love her and the babies and just want to feed them. The kittens are curious but skittish. We made great progress last night with the fishing pole game. The kittens played happily while Husband tossed the line, a blue toy on the other end. The kittens got very close to me and I was even able to pet little Mitten’s tail without getting clawed by her or her mama.

We’ll continue socializing with them. We know that we have a small window to get them adopted, and my hope is we can get Goose spayed in the process. We’re figuring this out as we go. I know I’ve made many mistakes in this process, but my hope is that it will all work out in the end. I love them all and I want what’s best for them.