Happy Sunday! I started writing this post yesterday and it has turned into a different post than its initial draft. I was very stressed and anxious about the orchestra concert yesterday and my draft reflected that. I was filled with regret that I hadn’t practiced enough and that the music is still way above my skill level. Having to simmer in this liminal space of mediocrity is something I don’t like doing (I mean, who does? WHO DOES?!). But there’s simply no way to get where I want to be without (A) sucking at something, (B) admitting it and (C) being somewhat okay with it.

Yesterday’s concert was fine. I completely flubbed phrases. I accidentally turned two pages instead of one. But I wasn’t the only one to make a mistake and we just laughed it off. There was music I should have learned and I didn’t. It was FINE. I have one more show this afternoon, and then the orchestra is on a break until August.

Before the concert, I was lamenting the really high passages to my standmate and said, “All this? I stopped playing violin after middle school, so I never quite learned how to play the really high notes.” The second chair violinist turned around in surprise. “What? You’re really good if you played just sixth through eighth grade,” she said. This was like THE NICEST THING ANYONE THERE COULD TELL ME. She didn’t have to say it, and I am so grateful for her kindness. And yet I still couldn’t take the compliment. “I picked violin back up in 2021,” I said, as if I were supposed to become Midori in the 2.5 years I’ve been playing again. But the compliment sustained me through the mistakes I made during the concert.

I was thinking about how during the past several years, I’ve started returning to things that I was really into as a child – creating stories and playing violin was my entire world when I was in middle school. (I crafted a little back then too, but YouTube didn’t exist, and I didn’t have the motivation to learn through a book. I need to see how it’s done to learn it!) I’ve lived a lot of my life doing what I *should* be doing, and now I’m trying really hard to honor what really interests and motivates me instead, including in my career. I am going to phase out of being a project manager and focus on being technical. My team leader completely supports this, but said that I needed to pick one skillset to focus on since I jump around a lot with what I do (DO YOU SENSE A PATTERN HERE?) I’ve decided to focus on groundwater remediation, specifically injections. It’s not traditional engineering but I’ve found that traditional engineering doesn’t motivate me. I’ve had the opportunity to work on several groundwater remediation projects and get excited by reviewing data and the process of figuring out what amendments we need to remediate specific chemicals. I was really into science as a kid (specifically microbiology) and this is just another way of honoring my younger self. I feel really good about this decision.

There’s a lot of joy in reclaiming parts of myself that I thought were lost. I just need to straddle this line of knowing my inherent worth and skillset, while pushing myself to achieve my goals, without burning myself out or second-guessing myself. If anyone has that figured out, let me know.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Somehow, this draft talks even more about violin. How is that possible? But it’s not really about the violin, is it? SHIT GOT DEEP. LET’S PIVOT.

Other Items of Discussion:

Wow, there’s so much I want to talk about but since I rambled on about violin for half of this post, let’s try to keep it succinct, shall we?

• I attended a conference here in Austin on Tuesday. Last year when my company flew me out to attend it, I took a little nostalgia tour around Town Lake after hours and cried because I was still very homesick (ugh!) While I was on the trip, Husband saw the kittens for the first time and texted me about it. This year I was able to drive to the train station and take a 20-minute ride downtown to the conference. Those baby kittens are now little gremlins who steal my stuff and meow at me because I don’t feed them quickly enough in the mornings. I’m so very grateful for these simple gifts. I know I prattle on and on about Austin here, but you have to understand that I never thought I would be coming back. And now I am ❤
• On Friday night, we attended a show at a convenience store. Yes. You read that correctly. We thought we got turned around on Google Maps, but the Friendly Rio Market is a legit convenience store and concert venue that hosts shows on Fridays and Saturday nights. I will admit I was skeptical as hell, but the band we saw was good. Like, of course you can see a show in Austin at a fucking convenience store and the musicians playing there are fantastic.
• We started watching Bodkin – it’s good so far! We are only two episodes in but it’s shaping out to be a cozy Irish mystery. We needed a palate cleanser after The Program, which is riveting but suuuuuper heavy.
• My writing residency is less than two months away, and the amount of work that I need to finish for the residency and for my full-time job between now and then is freaking me out, but it will get done. Right? RIGHT? YAYYYYY.
• I’ve worn approximately one shirt for Me Made May – remember when I kind of sewed? Me neither. Maybe I should pick up sewing again? HAH. HAH. HAH. I have been struggling with finding new clothes, especially since I haven’t had to shop for office-friendly clothes in so long. IT’S A THING but it’s not going to get solved overnight, and I’m not going to magically learn how to sew my clothes in the next week.

Thank you for listening to my rambles. I hope you have a great Sunday! I’m going to try to go for a run. It’s probably not a great idea? It’s definitely getting warmer here and it’s already 78 degrees outside (it’s 10:16 am as I write this). But I found my water belts and I’ll slap on some sunscreen, so I should be okay for a shorter struggle run. I’ll talk to you all later!